Punk Zombie

Tony dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. ‘

Tony says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid,” answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”

Tony is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with.”

The maid puts down the phone. Tony hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What pool?”

“Uh….. Is this 832-4821?”

Will Ferrell needs to pay his rent…

Fire Hydrant Art from both professional artist and also people who just love the holidays.

Here’s a funny blooper from the UK game show Catchphrase…

Types of poop…

GHOST POOP: It’s the kind where you feel the POOP come out, but there is no POOP in the toilet.

CLEAN POOP: It’s the kind where you POOP it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOP: It’s the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won’t ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you’re done POOPing and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to POOP some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: It’s the kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of POOP that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOP: It’s so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER’S POOP: The kind of POOP you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOP: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: It’s the kind where you want to POOP but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOP: That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOP (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOP: This POOP refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done POOPing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOP: You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* — a POOP!