A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.” The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done, he asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

Paul ans Lisa Thompson were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives Paul a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that?!” “Oh,” replies Paul, “she’s my mistress.” “Well that’s the last straw,” says Lisa. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.” “I can understand that,” replies Paul, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we’ll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours.” Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. “Who’s that with Jim?” asks Lisa. “That’s his mistress,” says Paul. She replies, “Ours is prettier.”

An aging pirate named William Dampier was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. “You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye,” said the mate. “You might want to check it out before retiring.”

So William went to the compensation board to see for himself. “How did you lose your leg?” asked the clerk behind the counter. “Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg.” Replied the William. “OK”, said the clerk, “How did you lose your hand?” “Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand.”

The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked, “Is that how you lost your eye? “Oh no, said William, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it crapped in me eye.” “You don’t loose an eye that way!” scoffed the clerk. “But it was the first day with me new hook!” William cried.