He visits a stud farm…

“I’d like to buy a horth”, he says to the owner of the farm.

“What sort of horse?” asks the owner.

“A female horth,” Tim Bean replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

“Nithe horth,” says Little Tim Bean, “Can I thee her eyeth?”

So the owner picks up Tim Bean to show him the horse’s eyes and
puts him down again.

“Nithe eyeth”, says Little Tim Bean, “Can I thee her teeth?”

Again the owner picks up Tim Bean to show him the horse’s teeth and
puts him down.

“Nithe teeth… May I now see her eerth?” Tim Bean says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up
Tim Bean to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down.

“Nithe eerth,” he says. “Now… Can I see her twot?”

“With this, the owner picks Tim Bean up, and, holding him by the
scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep
inside the horse’s vigina. He holds him there for a couple of
seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

Little Tim Bean shakes his head and says, “Perhaps I should weefwaze that:

Can I see her wun awound?”

@shitmydadsays – Probably the funniest account, also a great book.

@the_ironsheik – The Iron Sheik is crazy funny.

@chucknorris_ – Has not posted in a while, but funny old ones.

@NickGeniusSays – Brand new to twitter, very funny so far.

@darthvader the Dark Lord on twitter

@Danny_DeVito – Danny DeVito is awesome, he keeps posting photos of his foot a different locations.

@CobraCommander – Very funny character

@PeopleofWalmart – Posts photos from their site People of Walmart

@Edgar_Allan_Poe – Clever & Funny

@rustyrockets – Russell Brand’s twitter account

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Grandma Betty Ann: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Grandma Betty Ann: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Grandma Betty Ann: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Grandma Betty Ann: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Grandma Betty Ann: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Grandma Betty Ann: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Grandma Betty Ann: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Grandma Betty Ann: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Grandma Betty Ann: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Grandma Betty Ann: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Grandma Betty Ann: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!”….And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

“Clyde,

Betty Jo, Billy Bob, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Dale”