Tag: jokes

Precious little girl

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mitther, do you keep widddle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbid or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?” She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

Smell

Dude is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman “Can I smell your pussy?” “Fuck off, no you can’t smell my pussy!” the woman yells back at him,

“Oh” he replies, looking slightly confused, “must be your feet then”.

Randy the Rooster

A farmer has about 300 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you’ve got. No problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk…

“Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy’s up in the pigpen. He’s in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say’s, “Shhh. They’re getting closer…”

Jackie was a prostitute

Jackie Summers was a prostitute but she didn’t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and Jackie was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when, suddenly, Jackie’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Jackie told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

“I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry…”

The policeman fainted.

Church bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Carry Sue went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Carry Sue told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”