Random funny crap & BRAINS!
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it’s answered by a 11yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of whiskey in the other. The salesman asks the boy, “Excuse me, but is your mom or dad home?” To which the boy replies, “Does it fucking look like they’re home?”
Two hookers were on a street corner in New York.
They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, “Gonna be a great night, I smell cock in the air.”
The other hooker looked at her and said, “No, I just burped.”
A couple, Stan and Andrea were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Andrea got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Stan, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
Andrea joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
Andrea let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” The she asked, “Did you dance much?”
Stan replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”
Sandra is pregnant with her first child. She went for an exam at her obstetrician’s office.
After the exam, she shyly said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”, to which the doctor replies “I know…I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” the Sandra confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
Rebecca brings 10-year-old Little Johnny home.
Rebecca tells his mother that he was caught playing Doctors and Nurses with Amy, her 9-year-old daughter.
Little Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at this age.”
“Curious about sex?!” replies Rebecca’s mother. “He took out her fucking appendix!”