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Five Floors

Wendy, Sally, Tina & Tanya are all single and go on a vacation together. They are walking on the boardwalk and they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” They want to see what it is about so they go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men on this floor are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men on this floor are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On that floor they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

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Tim and the nurse

Tim is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

Tim struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

Tim slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are – my – test – results – back?”

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Barber Bob

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The Barber Bob looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The Barber Bob looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The Barber Bob looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”

The guy leaves. The Barber Bob looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey,Harry , follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”

A little while later, Harry comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The Barber Bob asks, “Harry , where did he go when he left here?”

Harry looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!

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Mortician & Rick

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Rick, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Rick had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Rick,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Rick is dead!”

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Sperm count

An 75-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Janet, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

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